Entry 7
Could this be the beginning of a love story?
Seated on a chair I listen to his voice as he reads a story to me
I closed my eyes and visualize the scenes in my mind
Captivated with the plot of the story
I sink in deeper to the romance on the pages
I can feel his throat getting dry
He takes a break, sips some water
He is excited and a bit self conscious
He carefully brings it to an end
❤️
Entry 5
Let’s talk about when you experienced fear.
This is a very touchy subject don’t you think? I’m already trying to get out of this conversation… What I can say is I have experienced fear I didn’t know it was humanly possible. I decided to do a 66 days morning routine challenge of waking up at 5am and if you skipped a day you had to start from day 1, even if you were on your day 65!! Discipline. How I got to do the challenge? My friend helped me with this book “The 5AM Club” and I decided to take on the challenge.
This was not easy for me. I wondered what would I be doing this early? I’m definitely not a morning person. I had no commitments… I had excuses to not even try it… I was just out of a toxic relationship. My heart was broken, I felt broken. I felt alone… After wondering, and trying to get myself out of it, I finally decided why not? It will keep me busy, and at least I’ll have a reason to get out of bed. This was a strong motivator
First attempt I got to day 7. Second attempt I got to day 16. I thought why not involve my friend in this challenge? So I shared what I was doing, the attempts I’ve had so far, and the experience. Lucky me I got a brave one to join. Also, my friend had just bought another guitar, and offered me the old one to practice on. How amazing! My routine now had a structure. I was confident.
Third attempt, I’m not alone in this, it was comforting. This is where things really started to change. By day 23, I was doing it. I was so proud of myself! Day 28, the horror. I was stricken by raw fear of everything I was afraid of. It felt like I was shedding all the things I had hidden so perfectly within.
I was shaking, I was sweating. It was nauseous. I didn’t recognize myself for sometime. Goodness I was so scared that I almost quit! But if I quit, I had to start this all over again! I wasn’t going to let this milestone go to waste. So I went through the re-birth for 3 days. Yes 3 days of pure panic.
Day 31 it was mildly fading off, it was bearable. When it was over I was extremely exhausted, I couldn’t even think of the heartbreak. Something else replaced the sadness, I was extremely calm. I would cry out of joy, and I knew I’ll be okay. I found clarity. I found a part of me that I had forgot. I found love.
Day 50, I am unstoppable. Day 60 this is just so easy. Day 66 I finally graduated! “Welcome to the 5AM Club!” I was and still am super proud of myself ❤️
Also just to confirm. It worked, nowadays I wake up at 5 am with ease. I found myself a morning routine filled with love and Divinity.
Do you think you are brave enough to shed yourself? Try it. It’s worth it. And don’t forget to share it with me. All the best
❤️
Entry 4
Hey darling. What’s the update?
Hello. Finally the electricity is restored. Yay! I’m happy about this. They fixed it and it’s been quite stable. I don’t think it will misbehave again. I have been doing a bit of research, for now it’s inconclusive. I hope to get a break through this week. Remember I mentioned I am reading the “The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo “ well, I like Lisbeth. I was appalled by the way she was subjected to sexual violence by her guardian who was meant to make sure she was safe. This had my stomach turn. Knowing that there are women and men who are subjected to such extreme sexual violence, and blame themselves… It’s impermissible! We need more advocates who actually take action to defend our women and men who fall into such cruel hands of other human beings.
❤️
Entry 3
Today just tell me anything that’s on your mind.
Okay. I haven’t had electricity since Wednesday afternoon it kind of suck that it’s taking this long to be fixed. Also that I have a pending job… I don’t know what to do anymore since I already notified the landlady who’s kind of taking this as a not so serious situation. I wonder how she would react if I decide to delay to pay the rent next month…mmh
I’m really starting to appreciate everything you know. Electricity is important. Also no one should undergo such torment. Please explain to me how in the hell only three houses don’t have electricity in an entire block!! Can you imagine how I feel when I step outside and see my immediate neighbor has electricity? It’s torture!!!
Landlady still insists she has notified her electrician who apparently has her keys! I mean she isn’t even trying with her lies! Ugh I’m just bored with this situation. Patiently waiting for updates. I’ll update you how this goes.
Apart from this, I’m grateful to be alive.
❤️
Entry 2:
How was your day? How are you feeling right now?
Well, I woke up early and finished some pending work. I applied for some gigs got one that was short lived because my Google review couldn’t appear public. Apparently, this happens a lot from my quick internet research. I read a book. I’m currently reading The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. No comments yet. It’s raining on and off which makes me wanna stay indoors longer. I’ll go out later and get food. I would say my day was good
How am I feeling right now? I feel calm. I’m a bit hungry. I’ll make tea. Today is my sister’s birthday. This is good. The year is almost over now.
❤️
Entry 1:
Hey you, I see you have been working hard lately. So how’s the going? Is it what you thought it would be? Are you happy?
Heey. Yes, I have been working hard to be on a high vibration. You know the mind sometimes can play tricks on me. It can say some weird stuff that cracks me up, and at times leave me partially frozen. It’s a thin line with this one. If you leave it unchecked, it can be a bit tricky to know if it’s with you or against you. Hmm so that’s how it’s going
Is it what I thought it would be? Let me put it like this. Waking up to do something I have been dreaming of is amazing. Everything is falling into place when I least expect it. I am enjoying the drive and the game at the moment.
Am I happy? Well, at times I feel a bit lonely, and wish I had someone to talk with. You know, connect with in a meaningful way. I know you understand what I mean. Other than that I feel happy.
❤️
How amazing you are
How can I capture your infinity with words?
How can I measure your beauty?
How can I describe your awe?
How can I weigh your love?
Your magnificence shines through with every glance
You outdo your glory
I am amazed by you
It’s okay that I am letting you go just as fast as I found you
I was in so much pain when we met
I thought I wouldn’t breathe again
The fire within burnt with fury
With grace, the embers survived
You opened my heart maybe this was your purpose
I guess this is a thank you and goodbye
You don’t have to be silent of the abuse in your life
You don’t have to live a fake life for their entertainment
You don’t have to burn your back with hot showers to feel something
You don’t have to smile when you’re breaking inside
You don’t have to long for death beautiful soul
You don’t have to cut your skin
You don’t have to live in pain my child
Shout it if you have to
Scream if you can’t speak
Break it with everything you got
Break free love
I am an abandoned building with few birds visiting me after sunset. Sometimes kids enter through the front door to search for a lost cricket ball and other times I shelter a few lost souls. I watch them trying to make a home on my floor and I do my best to make them feel comfortable and pray it’s good for the night.
I listen to their groans and my heart breaks. I watch as someone injects a syringe into their beautiful body and I cringe. Some of them puff smoke like my chimney. I wish they would warm me up too sometimes. Is it not right for me to ask for better treatment?
The closest I get to feeling warmth is when they light their tiny sticks. I wish I could keep the fire burning for an entire night. I dread watching someone shiver on my floor and die.
Their souls leave scars on my walls. Don’t misunderstand me, I enjoy their company I just miss listening to happy stories, jokes, and laughter. All I hear is pain. All I see are souls on the edge escaping whatever demons they’ve conjured up in their minds.
How can they not know how magical they are? How can they be oblivious of their power? How can they not harness their magic? How can they not see how marveled I am to be in their presence? How can they not feel the love within and around them?
I wish I had hands to hug them. I wish I could speak to them and whisper words of comfort to their burdened hearts. For now, all I can offer is a place for them to call home for a short time and I am happy to be their host.
©susann
Musings 